Wednesday, September 7, 2016

One Year Ago...

  1. Today is the one year anniversary of Tag's death.
  2. Already.

  3. It is so very difficult for me to believe
  4. I have been without him for this long.

  5. Yet, here I am.
  6. Without him.  

I have had several dogs throughout my lifetime...and all of them have been special to me.  In their own way.  But, don't you know...that brown boy grabbed hold of a larger place in my heart than any other...and certainly more than I ever could have imagined.  

I do not often speak of TagEButt...reason being that it has been almost impossible to do so without crying.  Until just recently.  

I really thought that it would be easier to leave him behind. To have this new apartment in this new location be a place that he had never been.  Wow. My imagination just didn't leave that alone.  Not.  At. All. For many months after moving here, I saw him in every single spot that one would imagine him being. On the new chair ottomans (after shoving the numerous pillows out of his way, of course).  In the new corner behind my chair. Squeezed under the new dining table. Under the light table in the sewing room.  Those flashes of seeing him here only made me miss him more.

For a very long time after last September 7, I knew that I would never have another dog.  The pain was that sharp...the grief that deep.  Proven again..."grief is the price we pay for love".  (click here)

A sort of chronological progress....

*On the day Tag died, I could only write:
My laughter.
My heart.
My always.

*In December, I wrote:
I have said this before...upon the loss of another of my dogs..."Grief is the price we pay for love."  It remains true today.

I think it does not help one little bit that I am dogless...with no dog by my side.  Before, there was always another one there to help me get through the pain and the loss.

Would I give up the 13 years of being with Tag to not feel what I feel now...grief so great that it feels as if I am wrapped in it?  No. Absolutely not.  The time I had with Tag was priceless.  He was the best spur of the 'yes, I'll take him' moment ever.  Ever.  And, once I am able to tuck him deep within my always be there with me, I'll be able to smile instead of cry with thoughts of him.

As it is is difficult to breathe.  With almost every thought I have of him, I am on the verge of crying. Not just 'tears in my eyes' crying, but sobbing that completely overwhelms me.  I miss him with every breath I take...

*In March, I wrote:
Tango was my calm.

Cruiser was my love.

Allegra was my joy.

Tag...well, Tag was my laughter.

And, my heart. 

Which continues to weep.

It is only recently that I have begun to think that I might have another dog.  To consider what breed would be acceptable. Of course, no pets are allowed here, so I would need to move.  But, the fact that I see that day coming has given me hope that my heart is healing.  That I am almost ready to tuck Tag deep within.  To open my heart again.  To be able to just breathe...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". Jeremiah 29:11


kelley said...

it seems like only yesterday we were reading about his bedraggled warthog...I think we are lucky to have had a companion that got so deep into our hearts...I feel about Chester the way you do's an empty spot that will never be glad you are thinking of another dog...there are so many that need a good loving forever home...hugs

Miccosukee said...

It was well after a year before I could imagine another dog after losing my last PWC, Piper. I had had dogs almost all of my adult life. Now I had to consider very closely my choices. I no longer had my farm so my beloved Airedales were off the table. My health required me to take into account even the weight of my new dog. Plus I wanted to adopt one. It took awhile and a lot of looking for me to find Roxy, my miniature schnauzer. She is a very opinionated 11-lb terrier who can really channel her inner greyhound. Thank goodness for harnesses. Easy to grab as she runs by.

Rugs and Pugs said...

I totally understand your grief. What a tribute to such a beautiful boy.
Sending hugs through my tears.

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Hi Jacque:
"Love never dies". Your deep love (and grief) for Tag will remain always, but as you said, my dear friend, there will come a time when you can tuck it deep in your heart.

A new pup never replaces those who have gone before. Your heart merely expands to include the new pet you choose to bring in. It's almost mystical.

I believe two things...1) That your dear Tag (and all our beloved pets) are around us always. If we listen and open our minds, they even visit with us once in a while, and 2) When God chooses our time, we will be reunited with them in a most glorious and joyful celebration. My faith in this promise keeps me going, and takes away some of the sting.

Until we are with them again, they would want us to share our hearts with others here who need us. I share your tears, your grief and a heart that deeply misses our sweet pups.

Sending love and hugs,

C Reeder PhxAz said...

We have had dogs with the same results - all hold a piece of us when they leave. My brother brought us the last one - he witnessed her being abandoned in a rest stop parking lot. She was a precious boxer girl we named Jersey Girl. She was with us for 9 years. She was the first dog we had after both kids moving out. She was just ours. We were totally all in. As congestive heart failure set in our own hearts were destroyed beyond anything we could imagine. Saying goodbye was awful. Never again were the words spoken. I think God laughed that day. Yea right you two. Wait til you see who is coming!!

Four years now we have been sharing our hearts with Gabriel (our angel bearing Gods healing for our hearts). He is a rescue that was so abused I can't describe it here. He weighed 20 pounds when we brought him home. He could not stand up or walk. The rescue lady just needed a quiet spot for him to live out his last few days. He has been here all this time. A big bruiser boxer boy now weighing in at 90 pounds. The love is amazing. Who rescued who?

We miss our precious Jersey Girl no doubt - but as pet owners we are all given a spot in our hearts for another. Yours is healing now. Contine that healing and we will all look forward to pictures of a new love soon.

Farm Girl said...

Do you know, I never had the heart to get another dog after I had to put my Sheltie down. Sasha is Peter's dog, who sort of became mine. I guess that was how she eased into my heart. I don't know what I would do without her. Because like Tag and you, I have never loved a dog the way I love Sasha. I can't even think about my life without her. When you spoke about seeing Tag in your new apartment, I know I would do that too. I did it when I had to come back home without my Sheltie, Shelby. When I would go outside, I would find myself waiting at the door for Shelbie.
I have told myself, I will never get another dog if something happened to Sasha. But you know, I have never in my whole life been without a dog. So I don't know if it would even be possible to live without one.
Dogs are what our souls look like on the outside of our body. Don't you think?

I am glad you can finally share about him. I think that does mean you have healed quite a bit.
Thanks for sharing,

WoolenSails said...

I was that way after I lost my guy, then I started seeing others with dogs and I missed that companionship and love that a border can bring. It took me a year before I could think that way, we just know when the time is right.