One Year Ago...

1. Today is the one year anniversary of Tag's death.
2. Already.
3. 
   
4. It is so very difficult for me to believe
5. I have been without him for this long.
6. 
   
7. Yet, here I am.
8. Without him.  

I have had several dogs throughout my lifetime...and all of them have been special to me.  In their own way.  But, don't you know...that brown boy grabbed hold of a larger place in my heart than any other...and certainly more than I ever could have imagined.  

I do not often speak of TagEButt...reason being that it has been almost impossible to do so without crying.  Until just recently.  

I really thought that it would be easier to leave him behind. To have this new apartment in this new location be a place that he had never been.  Wow. My imagination just didn't leave that alone.  Not.  At. All. For many months after moving here, I saw him in every single spot that one would imagine him being. On the new chair ottomans (after shoving the numerous pillows out of his way, of course).  In the new corner behind my chair. Squeezed under the new dining table. Under the light table in the sewing room.  Those flashes of seeing him here only made me miss him more.

For a very long time after last September 7, I knew that I would never have another dog.  The pain was that sharp...the grief that deep.  Proven again..."grief is the price we pay for love".  (click here)

A sort of chronological progress....

*On the day Tag died, I could only write:

My laughter.

My heart.

My always.

*In December, I wrote:

I have said this before...upon the loss of another of my dogs..."Grief is the price we pay for love."  It remains true today.

I think it does not help one little bit that I am dogless...with no dog by my side.  Before, there was always another one there to help me get through the pain and the loss.

Would I give up the 13 years of being with Tag to not feel what I feel now...grief so great that it feels as if I am wrapped in it?  No. Absolutely not.  The time I had with Tag was priceless.  He was the best spur of the 'yes, I'll take him' moment ever.  Ever.  And, once I am able to tuck him deep within my heart...to always be there with me, I'll be able to smile instead of cry with thoughts of him.

As it is now...it is difficult to breathe.  With almost every thought I have of him, I am on the verge of crying. Not just 'tears in my eyes' crying, but sobbing that completely overwhelms me.  I miss him with every breath I take...

*In March, I wrote:

Tango was my calm.

Cruiser was my love.

Allegra was my joy.

Tag...well, Tag was my laughter.

And, my heart. 

Which continues to weep.

It is only recently that I have begun to think that I might have another dog.  To consider what breed would be acceptable. Of course, no pets are allowed here, so I would need to move.  But, the fact that I see that day coming has given me hope that my heart is healing.  That I am almost ready to tuck Tag deep within.  To open my heart again.  To be able to just breathe...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.". Jeremiah 29:11

Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love...

Yes, I truly believe that grief is the price we pay for love.

After reading that sentence, you may think me cynical. Not so. That sentence pertains directly to my beloved dogs. I love them completely. I know that someday I will face life without them. It is inevitable that I will mourn their loss. The time will come sooner for some...sooner than it should. Sooner than I am...or will be...ready for.

Grief...part of the healing process...is so very difficult.

When Cruiser died...when I made the decision to end his time with me, I knew it was the right decision...for him. I could not ask him to stay with me any longer when he was so sick and losing more & more of himself. I feel no guilt. Only a deep-down and abiding sadness. After 8 months, I still cannot say more than a few words of Cruiser without my eyes overflowing with tears. I miss him so. I feel an emptiness that is with me always...still.

Grief...the act of grieving is a very complicated process...and a very individual one. I surprise myself with the amount of pain I feel with his loss...the length of time it is taking me to get ‘over’ losing Cruiser. Surprise...because of my profession as a vet tech...my practical nature...because I knew the day was coming.

It takes time...am hesitating to say this because I do not wish to sound trite...but it is oh, so true. Time does heal all wounds. At least to the extent that we allow them to be healed. The day does finally arrive when it becomes easier to tuck the memories away. A day when every breath taken is not filled with sadness.

Tammy, an online friend of mine, had to make the difficult decision to end her beloved Truvy’s life this week. She is in my thoughts and prayers...I know what she is going through.

Empathy inspired this doodle of my mind.